December 2011

 

Experiential avoidance is one of the most common and most painful causes of suffering.  It occurs when an attempt to avoid a specific painful emotion prevents a person from fully experiencing life.  This can be compared to Sally's attempt to avoid her painful feelings, which resulted in the intensification of those feelings.  However, when referring to experiential avoidance, it is not an explosion of suppressed feelings that magnifies the pain. It is the loss of experiences that magnifies that very emotion being avoided. Like a person in traffic feels their life passing and is taunted by the experiences they are missing, so does the individual who misses their nieces' dance recital in an attempt to avoid social anxiety or the individual who missed art basel in an attempt to minimize his depression. Another individual may avoid friends and family so he doesn't worry about the work he has waiting for him at home.  In all cases, when repeated, the pain (anxiety, depression, stress) is only compounded by the loss. A great deal can be missed in the name of pain avoidance.

  

In sum, you DO have to feel pain.You can't avoid this inevitable part of the human experience.  The more a person tries, the more the pain is directing your life and the stronger the pain becomes. The good news is that while pain is not avoidable, suffering is. You do not have to let your pain define you or direct your behavior.

 

Emotions are powerful tools that tell us when action is required.  If you feel sad in an emotionally abusive relationship, when you are fearful in a dangerous situation or stressed in an unhealthy work place, these are signals that you need to act. These may be experiences you need to avoid for your health and wellbeing.  However, at times our emotions are not accurate in assessing the danger of the current situation.  This is due to conditioned responses from the past or a result of current situational or lifestyle factors such as life stressors, lack of proper nutrition or exercise, etc.  When this occurs, instead of avoiding the situation, it is a signal we should confront it. I like the image of the painful emotion (fear, anxiety, self doubt) as a little child whose hand you can hold as you take that necessary leap toward the full life that you deserve.  As most things are, it's easier said than done.

 

The Challenge

Try at least two of the suggestions below.  Taking hold of your pain's little hand, leap away from avoidance and toward your life!

• Acceptance -The purpose of the repetitious theme, "You DO have to feel this", for past two months is my attempt to push you along with this one.You do not have to like a negative emotion or situation, but this stuff doesn't kill you. Really!
• Mindfully observe, take a break from the rational mind.  As one client put simply, be the referee of your mind. Hold your neutral, nonjudgemental position even as your thoughts (the players) continue with their chatter ..."yes we should", "no we shouldn't," "that was bad," "this is good."
• Just keep breathing, Just keep breathing... to the tune of finding Nemo's "Just keep swimming"
• Stretching... stretch and open up your body. It is calming and increases emotional stability. Perhaps it will open up your experiential possibilities. Here's a great psoas stretch to add to your repertoire click here
• Take response-ability.  Recognize you are capable and able to respond.
• Review your values and see in what direction they are pointing. For more on value directed behavior click here.

This newsletter included content obtained from "Get out of Your Mind and Into your Life," by Richard Hayes.